After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so let's talk penis.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
