I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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