Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
