Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I have fence marks all over my body
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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