I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
