God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
foreskin is a definite game changer
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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