The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
