I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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