textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
