fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
