you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
