aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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