ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
