Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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