maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
