I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
