sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
