I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
