i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
