i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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