I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
