If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
