No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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