well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
