how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
