Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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