She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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