no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
