My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
