I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
