dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
