I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
