All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
