maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
