Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I stole a fireplace last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Your penis caused this!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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