It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
