"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
