Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
