we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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