I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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