You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
