they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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