He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
