Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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