So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
