I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
