Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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