sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
