I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
