grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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