im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
