Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
