can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
