got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
