Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he puts the penis in happiness.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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